Stimulated

aka “Fuck you, Baucus!”

The House today voted to pass a $146 billion economic stimulus package. I like that because it means around tax time, I’ll be getting a cool couple hundred dollars to toss into the black hole that is my debt. The bill passed by the House would give everyone who earns less than $75000 a bonus check worth $600. That’s a lot of highballs. Too bad stupid Senator Max Baucus is going to propose a stimulus package of his own to the Senate, and his would only get me $500. Fuck that noise!

Baucus, you are an ass! You’re holding up a stimulus package that our economy badly needs, you’re prolonging my stupid fucking sobriety plan, and your face looks like Dick Van Dyke’s with all the oxygen sucked out.

Bu- .. Bu- ..

I can spend whatever I want, as long as I can pay the rent when it’s all done. I can buy lunch for myself twice a day if I’m hungry enough, as long as I make rent. There may be cab rides, movie shows, big bouquets of flowers, a personal robot dog, and I can pay for all of it as long as I’m not overdrawn at the end of the month.

The plan I’m on to eliminate my debt by the end of the year has essentially doubled my rent. This is the pressure. Money is sort of nebulous for me; it always has been. I don’t keep track of what I have on me. I only make sure there’s enough to cover rent. It’s dawning on me that I may need to consider the dreaded “B word.”

I’ve never drafted a personal budget. I don’t know exactly how much I spend on food, transportation, or entertainment. I think if I’m going to make this work and somehow survive, I’ll need to pay closer attention to my own finances. And so, it is with a heavy heart, that I am surfing over to Fool.com and reading up on how to draft a budget.

Wish me luck.

Rice and Beans

In my quest to pay off my debt, I’ve been bringing lunch instead of buying it.  One dish that I eat at least once a week is my famous rice and beans.  Here’s how I make it.

Ingredients:

1 cup brown rice (uncooked)

2 1/4 cups water (cooked)

1 can Goya black beans

1 chug-a-lug white vinegar

1 dash garlic powder

1 assload Goya chicken Adobo

3 shakes red pepper flakes

Maybe some oregano.

Cook the rice in the water.  When that’s all cooked, add all the other ingredients and mix that shit.  Voila:  rice and beans!  I eat half for dinner then bring the other half for lunch.

Fall Down Drunk

You could say I drank my way out of college. Booze and pot became more important to me than my grades. The thing about getting good grades in college is that it takes so much work and discipline. I mean, like, a lot of work and discipline. Smoking a bowl and playing Beirut all night, on the contrary, feels like barely any work at all. For me, the choice was easy.

I fell down some stairs one time. We’d been playing Beirut and flip-cup and asshole all night when we decided to go upstairs and take some hits from the grav. After some time I left my chair because I “just needed to walk around”. I followed somebody upstairs, I guess to watch some tv or play video games, and as soon as I got to the top of the stairs, I closed my eyes and lost consciousness for a few seconds.

When I woke up, I was at the bottom of the stairs, face-up. I must rolled backward instead of falling stiff like a felled tree, because there was a cut on my forehead. I was helped up and placed on a couch where I slept it off. My back hurt the next day, but I was fine. I’d been lucky. Some people would take an event like that as a sign that they should maybe lay off the drink for a while, not to mention the ganja. But I kept on going. I partied that night as if nothing had happened. I’m just a hopeless drunk.

In times of inebriation I’ve fallen down stairs, fallen into ranch dressing, fallen out of cars, fallen on the bus, and fallen out of bed.

Honestly, I can’t wait to get back to it.

No matter what embarrassing, costly things happen to me when I’m under the influence, I’ll always want to be back under the influence. It’s a powerful beast. If I wasn’t using it as motivation to pay off my debt I’d feel terrible about my weakness.

For My Next Trick

I may not post again until Monday, my babies, so here is my plan to fuck my debt up this weekend.

You ever get junk mail from credit card companies saying “Transfer your balance to our Discover card now and you pay 0% interest until 2009!”? I get them and, no shit, they charge zero percent interest until some months down the road.

Seem too good to be true? Well, it is, of course. After that 0% interest time frame elapses, they jack the interest up to some ungodly rate that no one would ever go in for. But here’s my secret: I’m not going to use the card after the rate changes!

I get to transfer my credit card debt to a zero-interest credit card and pay off that part of the total monster that much quicker. Pretty smart, eh? I’ll fill out the application this weekend and see how it goes.

Die, debt, die!

UPDATE! (1/26/08)

It turns out that credit card companies don’t let you transfer balances without charging a fee, usually 3%. My credit card is is still a little bulky, but I’m paying it so quickly that it isn’t worth it to switch to a new card. I’ll just pay down the debt I currently have and never use this card again. The updated plan is to freeze the current card in a glass of ice.

Debt Sematary 2k9

I don’t know if you realize it, but I’m not drinking booze right now. For real, I’m sober. Dry. And, yeah, it’s not a lot of fun.

See, I’m paying off my debt. By 2k9 I’ll have paid off my credit card (little bit of debt there) and my student loan (bigger chunk of debt). I’m in the middle of a high-stakes battle against all the government and corporate fuckers that think they own me, and I’m going to win. I’m so committed to winning that I’ve promised not to drink any alcohol until the debts are paid in full.

I’ve done something similar to this before. Last year I renounced the sauce to pay off another credit card bill, and it worked. Not only do I save nearly $60 a week by not drinking, but my insatiable thirst for booze drives me to save maniacally. As they say, I’ve harnessed the beast that is my alcoholism and I’m using its ineffable power for good instead of evil.

So far I’ve learned that saving money isn’t really very hard, but it is really very boring. I used to pack a lunch occasionally to change things up or when spending $8 on a salad 5 days a week seemed just too ridiculous. Now I’m packing a lunch every day. People who pack lunches will espouse the virtues of delighting in your own healthy culinary prowess. Those people are full of shit. I’m packing rice and beans, or pasta with garlic butter, or bland-ass tuna sandwiches every day. It’s not that I can’t cook; I just haven’t got the time. If you love me and you see me on the street, buy me an exotic meal.

Subprime Debt

In 2k1 the Fed did intervene

And low’r'd the int’rest rate to depths obscene.

To 1 percent did Greenspan set the banks

To fix us after all the dot-coms tanked.

At 1%, as you all doubtless know,}

Paying off a debt is a free throw,}

And mortg’ges can be had by all Joe Blows. }

The banks knew this; they opened up their vaults

And loaned their loans to borrowers with faults.