Improv Auditions and Zen

I’m almost out the door to get to an improv audition, but I wanted to get down a few things rattling around in my head about the Zen in this whole process.

He who must play, cannot play. That is, if you’re doing a thing (say, an improv scene) because you’re obligated to do it, then you’re not really playing with the full spontaneity of your full freedom. If you have to get out there and impress that panel of auditioners (or the audience, or your heroes in the crowd) then you’re playing toward that end and necessarily judging some of your options as too inferior to be of use in this case.

You need to let that go. It is counter to the spirit of improvisation. Do not give the panel, the audience, or your heroes the responsibility of judging you. In the end, all they want to do is enjoy what you do naturally. Drop the placating tap dance, forget that a goal even exists, and just play for the sake of play itself. Win or lose, they can’t take this moment away from you. So enjoy it.

Resolved

I came out of January 1 this year like a bat out of  hell.  I joined a gym, found a new job, proposed to my lady, and dropped 10 pounds.  Since then, I’ve let things slide a little.

Project managers have this thing called  scope creep.  At the beginning of a project the purpose of a team’s work is defined and their schedule is outlined according to the results everyone expects.  Naturally over the course of a long project, other teams will interject with tiny little demands that seem acceptable piecemeal, but can threaten to distract the team’s resources from the vitally important central mission of the project.  The scope of the project becomes compromised in a way that no one saw coming, though everyone watched as it happened.

Similarly, I have let my own steadfastness creep away from me in drips and drabs.  I had dedicated myself to no meals after 6, but I have let that slide.  I’d pledged moderation and less nights at the bar, but I feel like I’m a worse imbiber now than ever.  I rarely exercise.  I stay up way too late, and it’s starting to affect my work.  I smoke, and that’s the last thing I need.

This cannot continue.  I am too strong to let myself be affected by the workings of my addicted brain, by the siren call of advertising and seasonal novelties.  Starting tomorrow I end meals at 6.  I cannot afford to drink, so I just won’t.  The television will stay off and I’ll sleep early enough to wake up before the alarm.

I hear the detractors already in the chasms of my imagination.  They’ll say I don’t enjoy life.  They’ll say I’m not friendly because I never hang out anymore.  But the fact is that these voices are just my own doubt projected onto the people I know and love.  Truthfully, anyone who would stand in the way of my rehabilitation, my renaissance, doesn’t deserve my patronage.  My Booze Brain will tell me I’ve gone soft and that they’re all saying awful things about my weakness behind my back.

But I know better.  Whether Booze Brain is a liar or telling the truth is inconsequential.  I just can’t afford to listen to the addict in me anymore.  And so I’ll say in a voice louder than the voice of my demons:  I am Phil Wells, and I don’t play that shit.

If you’re reading this and you’ll miss my face at the bar, well, I’m flattered.  We’ll just have to learn to enjoy each other without a drink in my hand.

Accountability

photo by Jonathan Warner

The trouble with leveraging accountability into your diet by posting lists of everything you eat on the Internet where the whole world can see it is that nobody reads those fucking things.

Planning My Retirement

I think I might “retire” from the stage in 3 years. I’ll be 30 then. By then, I’ll have worked at this new job long enough for them to cover 90% of my college tuition. I’ll be working full time and taking several credits at a time, so I just don’t think I’ll have time for comedy.

Okay, that’s hard to accept. I love comic acting and writing. After school, I could return to it. I would be a sad old bastard during my retirement, but I have to get a move on, I think. I love what I do but I just haven’t got the bandwidth.

What am I going to school for? Probably computer programming. I’ll be able to transfer credits from NJIT, and a bachelors degree in programming is a nice stepping stone into a career in game design (not to mention all the QA experience I’ll have racked up by then).

So that’s my long-term plan. Comedy for three more years while I pay my dues at the office. Then college for a handful of years, still with the office. Then a degree, and back to comedy, and maybe even into a nice job in game design.

It’s a good opportunity for me. It’s like the GI Bill without having to live through combat.

Holiday in Cambodia

20 years ago today, Pol Pot was overthrown.  A lot of people don’t understand what Pol Pot did that was so bad.  Here’s a brief screenplay describing his regime:

Pol Pot:  Hey, I’m in charge!  Hooray!

2,000,000 Scholars and Laborers:  We don’t think you know how to run this place better than the last guy.

Pol Pot:  How rude!

2,000,000 Scholars and Laborers:  We’re dead.  Pol Pot has killed us and piled our skulls in mounds.

Radio Show is Online!

Radio Show – Episode 1

It’s here!  Have a listen to the completely improvised Radio Show starring myself, Ben Masten, Desiree Nash, Nate Starkey, and Steve Soroka.

Bandwidth, don’t fail me now!

Close

I’m whittling it down.  I’ve only got two full paychecks-worth left to pay and I’ll be completely debt-free.  I keep pondering how close that is and wondering what I can do to earn it all this week.  But there isn’t a way.  In these past months I’ve looked over every get-rich-quick scheme advertised on the net.  They’re all too shady and there are never any proven results.  The only way I’m going to get through this is to work it off and wait for it to end.

It’s not even the sobriety that is killing me.  It’s the ceaseless march of days where all I can do is scratch together a living and pay it off in small doses.  I’ll be happy to drink, but I really just want to be able to stop thinking about being done with this.  I’m tired of this debt defining who I am.

This month I need to work hard.  I’ve got big spending events coming up this month.  Two birthdays, Mother’s Day, and a few trips.  Money just gets spent so easily.  This month I have to pack lunch or eat ramen.  I have to cash in all my loose change.  I have to ask myself before  each purchase “Do I really need this, or is this just something that I want?”  This month I only pay for what I need.

I’m so close.  Let this nightmare end!