by Wells

I’ve always been a quick walker. You know those assholes you see weaving in and out of foot traffic, moving at twice the speed of the herd of humanity on the sidewalk? I’m one of those assholes. Walking through Times Square makes me hate tourists. Walking by Penn Station makes me hate Americans. People walk one way while looking another way. People walk slow. People walk hand-in-hand, taking up the whole sidewalk, so I have to walk in the fucking street just to get around them. I was walking through Borders the other day, and I knew exactly where I had to get to, but I was stuck behind one of these “browsers”. I was holding a hardcover book and I started drumming my fingers on it, in the hopes that she’d hear the commotion and move out of my way. It worked, but it took too long. So now I’m dealing with an urge to yell “Move!” or clap my hands just when I’m walking down the street. Something like that would get my ass kicked, I know, but people really are too much slower than me for traveling to be convenient anymore. Seriously, get out of my way. I wish I were one of those homeless maniacs so no one would think twice when I push my way through the crowds by the strength of my body and my stench.