News From The Front

by Wells

Arbuckle:

My lady, I bring urgent news from the front!

Lady Squelmsch:

Please, ease thyself, Arbuckle.  You’ll hurt your dextrous mouth talking at such speed.

Arbuckle:

What is this about my mouth’s dexterity?  Hast thou thought of my mouth’s possible maneuverability?

Lady Squelmsch:

Cad!  Your gutter-minded barbarian!  How DARE you accuse me so?

Arbuckle:

Forgive me, my liege.  I forget myself.  It’s just this news from the front is so urgent I…

Lady Squelmsch:

Arbuckle, sit before you faint.  You’ll fall and break your powerful thrusting hips.

Arbuckle:

[sits]  Again, I must question my lady’s thought process.  For it doth seem as if you have pictured my hips doing naught but thrusting.

Lady Squelmsch:

You presume thusly before me!  And aloud?  You presume yourself to the gallows!  Guards!

Arbuckle:

Wait!  Send me not to the pall ere I have delivered the news from the front.  You have to hear this news!

Lady Squelmsch:

Out with it, you brute!  And then you shall be promptly hanged in the square by your chiseled, handsome butt.

Arbuckle:

Do you not see how obvious it is that you think of me sexually?  It’s crazy that you’re not acknowledging this.

Lady Squelmsch:

Enough!  Guards, kill him right now!  Pull his gizzard out through his powerful, child-bearing urethra!

[guards encroach]

Arbuckle:

My lady, the front!  It’s been breached!  We’ll be overrun with Saxons!

Lady Squelmsch:

… How big are their feet?

[End scene]