The Phil Wells Dot Com

I Got A Big Mouth

Tag: rant

Someone Please Build A Better Printer

Another year, another dead printer.  I knew it was the beginning of the end when yellows stopped printing no matter how many new ink cartridges I loaded into it.  Then last week I printed a PDF and the text came out as gibberish, just a mish-mosh of English letters and numbers.  Finally, last weekend, it wouldn’t print at all.  And, while I could have probably downloaded things and prodded at slots and recycled power supplies and pulled my hair out to fix it temporarily, I gave in and ordered a new one.  Again.  Because it’s almost a new year and I am a glutton for this garbage.

But here’s the thing:  everyone I know likes the cell phone he has.  Whether it’s a Droid, an iPhone, a BlackBerry, a pay-as-you-go dinosaur, or a Razzle, the people I talk to generally have few complaints about their phones.  The plans and rates may be terrible, but phones are generally way more reliable than printers.  Also, there are monitors.  If home PC users went through monitors at the same rate they went through printers, we’d have monitors stacked to the Moon and everywhere would look like a deactivated security guard station.  No piece of hardware is as finicky, loud, and needy as the home printer.

We can do better.  Let’s take a year and not develop tablet computers or operating systems that fit on thumb drives or fucking treadmills that fit under our desks so we can walk around while we’re doing work.  Let’s design a better printer.  The iPhone of printers.

Here’s what a better printer would do:

•    “Plug” into any PC and work right away
•    Work within 3 seconds of powering on
•    Never require any file or software from an included disc
•    Clearly communicate what it’s thinking on a large onboard screen, and never via proprietary software on the computer
•    Not slow down its computer’s performance
•    Ship with full toner or ink
•    Work wirelessly
•    Scan and copy to computer or to paper
•    Fit on a desktop
•    Have cheap, replaceable parts
•    Work for 10 years before it needs to be replaced

The thing is you can find a hundred printers at Best Buy and the copy on the boxes will advertise all of those demands for all of those printers.  The reality is that it’s never true.  The software disc that inevitably ships with our printers is the worst sort of bloatware.  The thing prints its advertised pages per minute, but only after you wait for 7 minutes after turning it on so it can whir and click at you for a while.  If you need support, you might as well grab a Hefty bag, drop the printer into it, and throw the whole thing into a lake because you’ll still have even odds of getting your document printed before you have to get out the door.  And when you finally have the thing agreeing with you, you’ll get complacent with it for a few months and it’ll just misbehave again.  Not “I need ink” misbehave.  More like “I’m going to start spitting smoke and shutting down at random intervals though you’ve made zero setup changes” misbehave.  It’s a joke.

I’m not a designer.  I don’t know who designs these things.  But if that person is you, then I implore you:  work on this.  Make a better product.  We can play Guitar Hero on our phones.  We should be able to print our documents.

Attention Nerds (a light rant)

Yes, actually, we do get it.

The joke is on us.  You were ostracized in your youth and now look what’s happened.  The tables have turned.  The nerds and the geeks are in charge.  In fact, the nerds are now the cool ones.  Congratulations.  The bums lost.

But you need to stop gloating about it.  Every time  you indignantly ask some square, “You haven’t seen MST3K?!”, I die a little inside because I also enjoy that show, and I’m not indignant about it, and you’re an embarrassment.  Your nerd pride is sullying all the very few benefits you and your so-called nerd brethren are privy to.

America cannot survive by nerds alone.  This world needs people who don’t realize that Weird Al also wrote a bunch of original songs.  These people enter your data and talk to your customers.  They are your customers.  They raise the kids that will be your kids’ classmates.  They vote.  So drop the condescending tone and pretend you know what social cues and fashion are.

Which brings me to my next point: just because a person is an expert at something does not make that person a nerd.  I realize this is semantics, but nerds are nerds because they’ve been shunned by popular society.  When it became cool to wear thick plastic glasses, it ceased being nerdy to wear thick plastic glasses.  This is the way it has to be.  Go ahead and learn Perl, but you’re not a nerd until you know Perl and you sing TV theme songs at work without realizing it bugs the shit out of people around you.

So you go to Renaissance  Faires in costume and get drunk.  Maybe you hack Super Nintendo roms.  Or you consider yourself a theatre nerd, or a football nerd, or a food nerd.  At least you have a hobby that brings you out into the light every now and then.  You have your nerd pride but deep down you don’t think of yourself as uncool.

But imagine the people that you, a cool nerd, shun.  The coworkers who never hang out.  The smelly guys with no personality.  The loud eaters who pick their asses at bus stops.  These are nerds.  They don’t even have to know Perl.  Why are you defending these people?

Look, I own and play an orange ukulele.  I do improv comedy.  I’m adapting a film into poetry.  But I’m not a nerd.  I’m a square with interests.  And so are most of the self-proclaimed nerds I know.

Nerds aren’t ironic.  You are*.  Nerds are not proud of themselves.  You are.  If everyone who likes computers and felt vulnerable during adolescence is a nerd, then no one is.

*(This includes tweeting about nerdy things you’ve done to let everyone know how nerdy you just were.  “Imagine!  I just did that!  Ha!”)

Umbrellas Suck

After it rains in the city, I like to walk around and spot the umbrellas that have been abandonded.  They’re always in such terrible condition that I have to wonder how it got so bad before the former owner ditched the mess I see before me.  I’ve lost or broken every umbrella I’ve ever had.  They’re flimsy.  They get the rest of my stuff wet.  It’s nearly impossible to look cool while holding an umbrella.

So, I say go without.  Just get wet.  Walk in the rain, you pansy.  What are you, made of salt?

Printers Suck

I’m doing a little spring cleaning on my old hard drive and just uninstalled the drivers for my previous printer.  Why does the support software for any printer need to exceed 200 MB?  Why is installing a printer on a Windows computer still handle through a relatively archaic networking protocol?  Has  anyone ever heard of an iPod?  You install iTunes, plug your iPod in, and the thing syncs right up.  When my iPod breaks I plug it into my computer, walk away, and by the time I come back it’s fixed.  If my printer breaks I may as well just get a new printer.  The printer I have now will turn itself off if I leave it idle and won’t turn itself back on again unless I  unplug/replug it.  Toner is expensive.  No printer setup software has ever had an intuitive design.  And the software they give you to make scanning, copying, printing, and fixing the printer is usually the ugliest consumer software available.

I guess it’s asking a lot to have a  computer control a device that physcially changes a piece paper from blank to containing something.  But is it really?  Weren’t printers around before monitors were?

If any aspect of home computing is ripe for a huge redesign, it’s printing.  Screw tablet-sized iPods.  Let’s get a cheap, easy, good-looking printer with software that I like to use.